My mom used to tell me when I was growing up that I was destined to be a healer and help people. No pressure, right? According to an astrological chart that was prepared by a friend of my aunts when I was born, the stars claimed this to be my calling.
It puzzled me then and it still kind of does. Or maybe it just overwhelms me? I have always liked animals more than people. Help people, heal people? No, thank you. I feel like I remember hearing this most (maybe replaying in my own head or perhaps repeated from my mother) when I was struggling with the "what am I going to do with my life" question. School never came easily to me and it's safe to say that I struggled through most of it. I especially struggled with the what's next part of that. I've said it a million times before, but how in the hell is a seventeen or eighteen year old suppose to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives? I understand that for some people that comes more easily. And I also understand that one can be a jack of all trades or not actually limit themselves to one thing or maybe they evolve and become successful exploring multiple careers, hobbies, and interests. I get all that. But seriously, how could the stars have gotten it so wrong about me?
At thirty-two, I think I'm finally beginning to realize that maybe the stars weren't so wrong, I was simply interpreting their message the wrong way. I think I always took it literally and thought it would somehow apply to my career, a mainstream career. My younger mind read the stars message to help or heal people in a very literal sense, for example: doctors, counselors, volunteers, etc. All of the people that do those things actually and literally help people, but me? But if I'm not "good" in school than how is that possible? How will I ever fulfill my destiny if I'm not a good student? Calm down, young Steph, calm the F down. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time and slap the younger me. But she was evolving, developing and sorting through everything that was necessary to prepare me for exactly where I am today.
This week marks a pretty incredible milestone for me. I have officially been "teaching" yoga for an entire year. This past year has been full of butterflies, ups and downs, self exploration, breakthroughs, setbacks, growth, some tears, millions of deep breathes, and lots of letting go.
Here I am.
My mom said this morning that "I'm on the right path."
I had a r e a l i z a t i o n on my walk this morning, the stars were right. By helping and healing myself I am fulfilling my calling, my destiny. Isn't there a quote about not being able to help (heal) others until you help (heal) yourself?
I can't and won't speak for anyone else but it is definitely safe to say that I have helped myself. I am more me than ever before. I feel strong, capable, determined, safe, and more confident than ever before. I've done lots of things, tried lots of things that ended up being no goes for the long term but were temporary yes'. My exploration of new things that never stuck used to frustrate me. When will I finally find something that sticks, that clicks? I'm learning that it is completely fine if I never find that. If something works right now than that is perfect. Everything is fleeting, evolving and changing. My lifelong search for the thing that would stick has gotten me to today, to my beautiful, flawed and perfect now.
I would like to thank all of the people, teachers, healers and complete strangers that have helped me along my path and escorted me to the exact place and space that I exist in right now. Thank you for supporting me and nurturing me. It is not lost on me that every interaction, big or small, simple or miraculous, all happen for an intended purpose and reason.
I appreciate and respect you all.